My husband and I began a journey three years ago that ultimately landed us in a country not of our birth, with a house not our own, and completely and utterly "family-less".( All our kids are grown and we left them all behind) When we started out, it seemed kinda like a piece of cake. Aside from traveling all the time and ministering in churches across the eastern United States, life was basically normal. But....once we disembarked that airplane on August 20, 2009, life was forever changed. For two sort of aging adults, it has been a wild ride....and yes, I am scared.
One of the first fears I had to learn to face was safety. Coming from Greensboro, NC (where we in fact seldom ever even locked our doors) to Montego Bay, Jamaica (where we are completely enclosed behind locked bars) was indeed a shock to the system. What is forever etched in my mind is what our dear Jamaican friend Hazel Dalley said to us before we moved here. She cried and she actually begged and pleaded with us not to come. She said "You will be killed...doon move here; only just come in and out like ya brudda Dusty....doon move here." We were humbled by her concern but completely oblivious to the truth of her statement. After living here you realize that you must always be aware of the inherent dangers. As my doctor here also told me...."it is indeed very easy to die in Jamaica; please be careful". Just driving here puts your life in danger. If you have ever been here, you know what I am talking about. There is little respect for human life...and every day I am here I realize it more. Crime is rampant and hearing gunshots has become our new normal. Robbery is commonplace, and we have already fallen victim to it. And yes...I am scared.
The second thing I am scared about is my health. It seems like the girl who got off that airplane 13 months may never be quite the same. After battling whatever the disease was last December, my body is struggling to recover. Some days I don't much notice the difference and other days I feel it in every step. I just keep talking to my Father and telling him about it and asking for his grace and then I talk to myself about pressing on. That's what we do as God followers....we press on in this race til we reach that ultimate finish line. But yes, I am scared.
My third fear is just a mom thing. I am scared of being separated from my children and grandchildren. After all, what are moms and Nena's for if not to be there to patch things all up again? I never realized how hard it would be to be an ocean away from our children and grandchildren. It's funny how just a hug from your son or daughter, or snuggles from your grandkids can make any day seem alright. It is equally amazing how a day can feel so wrong when you don't have that privilege. (Some days I even fret that my grandbabies won't really know me) We are a close family and this year has stretched us all in our faith and in our trust in God to take care of each other across the miles. Does that make sense....because I feel it in a very real way.
My biggest fear is failure. The task for us here is monumental. We are following God's leading here to plant a church in Montego Bay. Truth is, we have never planted a church before. We are both children of church planters, but now WE are the ones doing the planting. Down here that involves a lot of learning the culture, tilling the soil, and work, work, work. One big difference here is that you can't leave anything in the church after service. Although our meeting room is gated and barred we have to keep everything here in our home, load it up every Sunday morning, unload it and set it up before church, tear it all down after service, load it back in the work van, and unload it back into our house. If we leave it there, it will be stolen. This is a foreign concept for most of us in the USA as we just lock and unlock the buildings and turn everything on. It requires an enormous amount of work here. We are also constantly trying to strike a balance between cultures. We don't want to start an American church here but we also see the rut that so many of our struggling churches here are in. It is a tough task. Immorality is huge here. We have an 85% illegitimate birth rate...and it appears to be quite accepted. Developing a strong male leadership base is one of the most difficult things to do in our culture in Jamaica. As a result, women have taken roles that scripture defines as for a man. Do you see the enormity of the task? And yes, I am scared of failure.
These days I say aloud scripture about being strong and courageous. (Isn't it funny how all the little Cubbie and Sparkie verses rush in when you really need them?) In my head I know that God will never leave me nor forsake me, or leave me high and dry...but sometimes I have to remind my fearful heart of that. When sheer loneliness sets in, I CRY out to Jesus. In those moments where there is sheer joy in our ministry, I SING out to Jesus. When those little fears come creeping in, I am learning to rest in Jesus. After all, God is bigger than the "boogey man", the rasta man, and the FEAR of man.
This is just another rambling of one very tired (and sometimes scared) Jamerican......SELAH!!
